Sneaky Self-Promotion for Idiot Authors (1/13/2011)

Dying to get their books into bookstores, or sell bookstore stock, authors actually do these things:

1. Artificial Insemination: After printing colorful card-stock promotional bookmarks featuring the title and purchase information for one’s own book, an author sticks these bookmarks into store copies of bestsellers.

2. Disturbing the Universe: A writer in a bookstore surreptitiously moves her books closer to the front, or turns them from spine-out to face-out, or re-distributes the bookstore’s stock of her book among several subjects or shelves. She doesn’t realize that the bookstore is a business, that she is not the first writer to do this, and that the bookstore clerks know the shelves as they know their own faces; after all, they have arranged the books, often to specifications given and paid for by the publishers. It is their job eight hours a day to maintain this order.

3. The Secret Book Signing: A writer enters a bookstore, finds his own books and secretly autographs all the copies, knowing that autographed books are considered defaced and cannot be returned to the publisher, and hoping this will force the bookstore to keep all copies on the shelves until they are sold.

4. The James Frey Awards: A writer has golden medallion-type stickers printed with the name of a fictitious award, enters the bookstore and sticks them onto his book covers hoping this will attract attention.

Not yet dead of embarrassment and shame? Pretend you are not the author, and sell a copy of your book to every used-book dealer in town. At least it’ll be shelved in a bookstore. (A tip found online.)

A Portfolio? Me?

Until now I hadn’t thought of putting some of my work together into a portfolio, the way other professionals do. But of course I should.

Decided the portfolio should show the range of what I can do, emphasizing what I think most marketable: articles, grant applications, web content, and book-proposal packages sent to agents, including synopses, marketing analyses, and those carefully crafted cover letters that “hook” the agents into wanting to see my manuscript. (I’d deleted practically all of them, because I was ashamed that six months of hard work hadn’t hooked me an agent!) Include also my favorite blog entries, at least one book (prepare to give it away), testimonials from clients, and letters I got in the mail saying I had won a prize. Plus a resume and a full CV.

How to put it together? Tuck the writing samples into sheet protectors which then fit into a normal three-ring binder. In the back of the portfolio I have everything again, in duplicate, in case someone wants my originals to present, say, to a hiring committee. Now I am ready to grab my portfolio and chase down some writing or editing work. -- And you know what? Having the thing gives me confidence!!!

Aw, Do I Have to Do My Own Publicity?

I had energy and time enough to either

a) work on finishing my writing and sending it out, or

b) do advance publicity and my marketing setup for upcoming events and the release of Meet Me: Writers in St. Louis (still at the printer’s).

I chose “A” and am not sorry. But I learnt JUST NOW that if I left publicity up to others, it wouldn’t get done, not even by the sponsoring organization, St. Louis Poetry Center:
Catherine Rankovic and Ed Boccia will read their poetry Tuesday March 23 at 7:30 p.m. at the Focal Pointe, 2720 Sutton Blvd., Maplewood, MO, 63143. This event is part of the Poetry at the Pointe series sponsored by the St. Louis Poetry Center. Free. For information call (314) 973-0616.

I swiftly wrote the above notice using a handy formula called the “five W’s.” For publicity and news purposes it will never let you down. It states “Who, What, When, Where, and Why”, and – welcome to the 21^st century! – “How Much?” Also, for “Where,” it has become very important in the age of GPS to indicate the whole street address including the zip code. Keep it short! That way, editors will keep their meathooks off of it.

“Ask not” how YOUR event was the one that got lost in the welter. “Ask what you can do to fix the problem caused by neglecting your own publicity.”

Author Photos: 11 Tips from Experience

Here is my favorite new "author photo," taken specifically for Meet Me (now at the printer's). Tips if you are having your "author photo" taken:

1. Ladies, the one makeup item you absolutely need for your photo is Mascara.
2. Natural light will make you look better than any type of indoor lighting.
3. Scarves and/or fur are good clothing counterbalances for women self-conscious about strong or aging facial features.
4. Men, LOSE the shades. They are not cool in author photos.
5. Men, SHAVE. The Abbie Hoffman look is not coming back.
6. Do not dress as if you are going to clean your bathroom. Do not wear a hat. I removed my glasses because fashions in glasses can "date" your picture something awful; just look at your high-school yearbook, or your mom's...
7. Nobody wants to see your pets. Or your cleavage. I mean it.
8. Make photos available in both color and black and white.
9. Get a patient photographer and PAY him. Mine is semi-pro Mark Deffenbaugh, and he had the knowledge and equipment to blur the background while keeping me in focus, and use fill-in flash to assist the natural light. Don't know what I mean? Get a photographer who does. This photo is not retouched, but Mark did excellent retouching on poses that were marred by a shiny face, stray hair or odd item jutting in the background.
10. Standard digital resolution for decent print reproduction is 300 dpi. Don't know what that is? Your photographer does, or should.
11. I put the photos online at the photo site flickr.com where if my name is typed into the searchbox anybody who needs my photo -- say, Oprah -- can get, see, and download one free. Free, however, it is copyright-protected. I ask only that they give credit to Mark Deffenbaugh.

Author photos will persist long after you are gone. If you are fortunate enough to need an author photo, please think twice about everything.

Writers' Bios: An Editor's View

Editor of the literary mag River Styx for 15 years, poet Richard Newman (most recent book: Domestic Fugues) probably wouldn't mind being quoted on what he said when I asked him about bios yesterday. The bios in River Styx are almost uniformly three- or four-liners, and the editors keep them that way by trimming. Richard said, "The really famous poets have one or two sentences. Those bios will say ' Famous Poet is the author of 15 books of poetry,' and leave it at that. It's the nobodies who send us long bios that include every little fart. . ."

Bio No-Nos

Make your bio clever or noble today, and cringe tomorrow. When writing a bio, ALWAYS play it conservative. Or hope your editors will advise you to use your creative powers, wit, and politics as fuel for your art – not your bio.

“XX is a socialist feminist who believes the Amerikan capitalist system is…”

“XX recommends the chili.” (thanks, Gaye Gambell-Peterson!)

“XX is the mother of five-year-old twin girls, Beth and Amy, and two-year-old Laurie…”

“Once I believed that poetry was something to distract my human companion, so I could knock pens off her desk and swish my tail under her nose...I write for felines everywhere! And I write in form because the anarchic spirit of all cats is an explosive force that needs something powerful to contain it.”

“XX thanks Our Lord Jesus Christ…”

“XX’s memoir in this issue is part of a just-released 10-CD boxed set of interviews with three generations of family, with a companion volume of exciting vintage photographs. . .”

“XX was born.”

“XX in fifth grade won a prize for a composition, and ever since…”

“XX wonders why you are reading this.”

“Every day, XX fires up his Apple IIe and…”

“Vote now for XX’s poem by texting 90095”

Art & Craft of the Writer's Bio, Part I

Almost word-for-word true. Hardly published, he had quite an impressive writer’s bio:

. . .his novella* Ready to Rumble was a semi-finalist for the William Faulkner Southern Writers Prize*. His short story “Blankety-Blank” was published in The Eliot Review,* and his story “My Story” received an honorable mention* in the first annual* George F. Spelvin Competition.* His work was nominated* for the 2008 Lawrence Figbar Prize* and has been cited* by the Eastern Missouri Tri-County Alliance for Excellence in Sports Writing.* He recently completed an essay for Esquire*.

That’s all factual. But to amplify a little:

*Novella is unpublished.
*The prize has a grand name, but the contest was in fact run by Squat University’s book-arts class, seeking a manuscript to work with.
*”Eliot Review” is the impressive name of the undergraduate rag at his college, which published the story in 1986.
*Everyone knows that "honorable mention" can mean many things.
*Always look suspiciously at “first annual” – because most of the time, even though relatively few writers discover and enter “first annual” competitions, the administrators, learning how much work it is, never hold a second one.
*Always suspect honors bestowed by an entity you’ve never heard of.
*"Nominate" may be a great honor -- or it may mean nothing.
*The Figbar Prize is a competition run by his local writing guild, named in honor of one of its former members.
*”Cited” in what way? We hope not as a bad example.
*Sounds like a group with a very small membership…
*Yes, he wrote it for Esquire, but Esquire hasn’t seen it yet, and won’t print it when it does.

And you know, he's only doing what most of us writers do with "bios," only on a slightly more exaggerated scale....

Which is More Important: Action or Results?

A beautifully simple rearrangement of reality from a seminar on "making a living from your self-published books," a St. Louis Publishers Association event attended 28 December:

Speaker, asking the audience: "Which is more important? Taking action or getting results?"

Audience: "Hmm, well, sort of -- results?"

Speaker: "No. It's taking action! Imagine two authors who want to sell their books. One tells himself, 'I'm making 10 cold calls today.' The other vows, 'By the end of today I will find three hot leads.' Then it's 2 p.m. The first author has made his calls (he hates cold calling, but he did it). He's free now to go to work on his next book. The second guy is sweating and stressed -- calling and calling he hasn't gotten even one of the hot leads he wanted! And gosh, his day won't end until he has three!"

Remember, said the speakers, you can control your actions -- but you can't control results!