Take Me Serious

Sunk in the bottom of an ocean of books at a big-box bookstore, I realized how insane it is to hope to make a mark, much less a splash, writing books in this world. But the would-be authors I saw there contrasted so sharply with the crisp and handsome new books that I got keenly critical, and as the former Miss Mousy USA I know it helps, if and when one wants to be taken seriously as a bright and disciplined person with a future, to show your material self some dignity:

• Get a haircut.
  
• Don't wear dirty green T-shirts.
• Clean your shoes.
• Conceal your bra straps and g-strings.
• Crocs are for home wear only.
  
• Don't carry big, lumpy bags.
  
• Women: Wear a bra that holds 'em.
• Don't gnaw at, or carry around, plastic or foam containers of food and drink.
• Don't flap your hands. Don't gnaw at those, either.
  
• Pick one of your good features -- nice hair, nice butt, expressive eyes, strong chin, pretty ears -- and deliberately enhance it.
  
• Sit straight.
  
• Over 40? Ditch the baseball cap.
  
• Harmonize your socks and shoes.
  
• Save your all-in-black look for funerals.
  
• Don't let everyone see you surfing Asian-bride sites.
  

None of the above are prohibitively difficult or expensive. Look as much as possible like a brand-new book!

(More on my life as Miss Mousy in the next post.)

You're Just a Little Piece of Software

Just as you are about to complete any big writing project -- at the 95 percent point or so -- a little piece of software may well kick in. It invades the mind of the confident writer, who begins to think:

• I'm tired.
• Why bother.
• Get somebody else to freaking do this freaking work.
• I've changed my mind.
• Whatever I get won't be enough.
  
• This project isn't worth it.
  
• It's high time I started letting other people down and disappointing them.
• Need a week off.
• For this I gave up my social life?
• Surrender.
  

I know it's just a little piece of punk-ass software and I can slap it down.

The Green Light for Creative Writers

EXERCISE: 1. Close your eyes and picture a traffic light, any type you want. 2. Make the light turn green. 3. Hold the picture of the green traffic light in your mind. Try to hold the picture for at least 15 seconds. 4. Picture the green traffic light whenever you think or hear stuff like this:

"I can't get an agent" "Writers never make money" "Nobody wants the kind of stuff I write" "Artists are doomed to be outsiders" "I wish I'd been born with another talent"

Gently, shine the green light on these thoughts. You have a green light to write -- whatever you want -- and be great.

Having trouble picturing a green light? Draw a traffic light. Draw rays coming out of the green lamp.

Every time you see a green light, no matter where you are, tell yourself, "That's the green light for my writing."