Saturday, July 31, 2010

Take Me Serious

Sunk in the bottom of an ocean of books at a big-box bookstore, I realized how insane it is to hope to make a mark, much less a splash, writing books in this world. But the would-be authors I saw there contrasted so sharply with the crisp and handsome new books that I got keenly critical, and as the former Miss Mousy USA I know it helps, if and when one wants to be taken seriously as a bright and disciplined person with a future, to show your material self some dignity:
  • Get a haircut.
  • Don't wear dirty green T-shirts.
  • Clean your shoes.
  • Conceal your bra straps and g-strings.
  • Crocs are for home wear only.
  • Don't carry big, lumpy bags.
  • Women: Wear a bra that holds 'em.
  • Don't gnaw at, or carry around, plastic or foam containers of food and drink.
  • Don't flap your hands. Don't gnaw at those, either.
  • Pick one of your good features -- nice hair, nice butt, expressive eyes, strong chin, pretty ears -- and deliberately enhance it.
  • Sit straight.
  • Over 40? Ditch the baseball cap.
  • Harmonize your socks and shoes.
  • Save your all-in-black look for funerals.
  • Don't let everyone see you surfing Asian-bride sites.
None of the above are prohibitively difficult or expensive. Look as much as possible like a brand-new book!

(More on my life as Miss Mousy in the next post.)

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