They'll Do It Every Time

Poets who have poems accepted frequently tell each other, "...and from the set of poems I sent, the editor picked the one I liked least," or "the one that I thought was weakest," ....thereby creating a "Can I Get a Witness" moment:

"That happens to me, too!"
"They never take what I think are my best poems!"
"They took the one I sent as 'filler'!"
"I sent that one just to patronize them, and that's the one they printed!"
"They always do that!"

This phenomenon needs a name. Why do editors single out your least favorite submission when fellow poets, your teachers, and critics (who may or may not know you) zero in on the best ones right away? Is this a "Smells Like Teen Spirit" or "Come On-a My House" thing, where the artist freaks because his lamest song becomes the biggest hit?

In my case, I notice "they" "almost always" select the shortest of the poems I send, and then they always want changes in it. Either that, or it will appear with a typo or misprint (most recently: "indefinitely" instead of "infinitely"). It seems to be a joke that the universe plays on poets. But I say that only because otherwise I must conclude it's a joke poets play on themselves.

Are You a Writer, or an Author? Part III

Webster's etymologies, as far back as they can be traced:

author: "to increase, produce"

writer: "to scratch; to tear"

I think writers do both. The difference seems to be that writing is composing, and authorial actions are quantifiable or measurable. As in:

Have you written the next chapter of your novel?
Have you authored your 1500 words today?

"Author" and books are related because published books can be counted. Most people have no other way to take the measure of a writer.

OK -- this question's settled. Now: Have you written the next chapter of your novel? Have you authored your 1500 words today?

A Portfolio? Me?

Until now I hadn’t thought of putting some of my work together into a portfolio, the way other professionals do. But of course I should.

Decided the portfolio should show the range of what I can do, emphasizing what I think most marketable: articles, grant applications, web content, and book-proposal packages sent to agents, including synopses, marketing analyses, and those carefully crafted cover letters that “hook” the agents into wanting to see my manuscript. (I’d deleted practically all of them, because I was ashamed that six months of hard work hadn’t hooked me an agent!) Include also my favorite blog entries, at least one book (prepare to give it away), testimonials from clients, and letters I got in the mail saying I had won a prize. Plus a resume and a full CV.

How to put it together? Tuck the writing samples into sheet protectors which then fit into a normal three-ring binder. In the back of the portfolio I have everything again, in duplicate, in case someone wants my originals to present, say, to a hiring committee. Now I am ready to grab my portfolio and chase down some writing or editing work. -- And you know what? Having the thing gives me confidence!!!

Author Photos: 11 Tips from Experience

Here is my favorite new "author photo," taken specifically for Meet Me (now at the printer's). Tips if you are having your "author photo" taken:

1. Ladies, the one makeup item you absolutely need for your photo is Mascara.
2. Natural light will make you look better than any type of indoor lighting.
3. Scarves and/or fur are good clothing counterbalances for women self-conscious about strong or aging facial features.
4. Men, LOSE the shades. They are not cool in author photos.
5. Men, SHAVE. The Abbie Hoffman look is not coming back.
6. Do not dress as if you are going to clean your bathroom. Do not wear a hat. I removed my glasses because fashions in glasses can "date" your picture something awful; just look at your high-school yearbook, or your mom's...
7. Nobody wants to see your pets. Or your cleavage. I mean it.
8. Make photos available in both color and black and white.
9. Get a patient photographer and PAY him. Mine is semi-pro Mark Deffenbaugh, and he had the knowledge and equipment to blur the background while keeping me in focus, and use fill-in flash to assist the natural light. Don't know what I mean? Get a photographer who does. This photo is not retouched, but Mark did excellent retouching on poses that were marred by a shiny face, stray hair or odd item jutting in the background.
10. Standard digital resolution for decent print reproduction is 300 dpi. Don't know what that is? Your photographer does, or should.
11. I put the photos online at the photo site flickr.com where if my name is typed into the searchbox anybody who needs my photo -- say, Oprah -- can get, see, and download one free. Free, however, it is copyright-protected. I ask only that they give credit to Mark Deffenbaugh.

Author photos will persist long after you are gone. If you are fortunate enough to need an author photo, please think twice about everything.

Bios and Street Cred

The coin of the literary realm is not money but status. Status, however, correlates with money. Every literary writer wants to be published in hardback by the ritziest, best-known publishers, secure the fattest prizes and grants, and get paying gigs (readings or teaching) at prestigious venues. Thus, the writer’s bio recipe for intermediate and advanced writers, ingredients listed in order of importance:

1. Publications. Books first, then periodicals, the most prestigious listed first. Chapbooks count. If you won a chapbook contest, double points; triple points if a famous writer judged the contest, and do mention his or her name. List forthcoming books, but only if you have a contract. To say you're shopping around for an agent for your first novel is lame. Self-published books count, but always include the name of the press. Here’s how I credit myself: Fierce Consent and Other Poems (Wingspan, 2005). Omit the press and folks will think you're hiding, like, "Lightning Source" or "Xlibris" because they embarrass you.

2. Prizes and honors. Do not include those given locally unless bestowed by educational institutions.

3. Jobs related to the literary world, such as being a writer-in-residence, or editor of something, or a teacher in an ESL program. You lose status by listing other types of jobs.

4. Degrees, writing-related only. Top-level writers such as George Saunders may get mileage out of having graduated from the Colorado School of Mines. You will not.

If you have the above, they go into your writer’s bio in that order. Skip those you don’t have and don’t make stuff up. At the intermediate level your bio is scrutinized by people who know scrutiny! If you haven’t got good publications, work at getting them. If an editor asks for a “three-line bio,” it is acceptable to give three lines of publications, because publication is currently the ultimate in street cred.

But note: I sense that because writers now can and often do publish their own works, “publications” are losing value. Gaining value are prizes and honors, because your friends and mother cannot bestow them.

So, writers: Go out and win some prizes today!

Next: Writer’s Bio No-nos

Don't Know the First Thing About Marketing

Now you've got a book (or chapbook) -- what do you do? I presume you want people to buy and read it. Here are the steps I'm taking with my book Meet Me: Writers in St. Louis, due to be published next month. Even if your book is already published, these will help.

The Postcard: You can design and send a postcard announcing the availability of your book at ANY time in the marketing process. I'm doing it pre-publication.

1. People, libraries, and stores have to know your book is available. I designed (using a template) and bought, online, from 123print.com, 250 postcards announcing my book and a little of what it's about; pages and price; plus the ISBN and the publisher's contact information for pre-orders. Beautiful, full-color glossy postcards. 100 postcard stamps cost me $28. No, the postcards don't match the book cover, which isn't designed yet (!). I want people to anticipate the book more than I want the card to "match" the cover. That would be the ideal, but it won't happen this time; I won't wait. (Writer, never waste your time waiting for something to happen that's out of your power.) Some postcards I will hand out or post wherever writers gather.

I AM holding back the postcards until I test the publisher's online pre-ordering system. Nothing worse than publicity for a book that is not available!

Remember: You can design and send a postcard announcing the availability of your book at ANY time in the marketing process. The only requirement is the book has to be obtainable.

What, I, the WRITER, paid for this? You bet! If you want to sell your book, these days YOU, the writer, promote it.

Are Writers Temperamental?

Anonymous writer had two readings set up. Decided not to do them, but rather than say "I don't want to do them," picked an asinine quarrel guaranteed to short-circuit both appearances and future ones.

Anonymous writer breaks out in red spots upon hearing that she should inquire about guest teaching gigs rather than waiting (11 years & counting) for universities to seek her out. She's bitter that they don't.

Anonymous writer feels she is slighted because she is fat and black. Another sure that the problem is that he is a white male. Another feels ignored because he is over 50. Others feel pegged -- as a Jew, an Asian, a lesbian, an academic, a newbie.

Anonymous writer is crushed by a rejection, never tries to publish again.

Lots of suffering generated by their choices of truths and realities!